Wayne came home on Friday. I was so excited to have Friday show up. How excited, well I showed up at the airport over an hour early. Yes, with a 13 month old I still showed up that early. I looked forward to seeing my husband. The man I planned on spending all of my life with. The only man that I dream of. The man that unknowingly puts the biggest pain in my heart. I kept texting where are you now. Soon I see him, I can't help but smile. He peered over the edge of the wall and made noises for the baby. I went around the wall so that we could finally meet. He bent down and took the baby from the stroller and picked him up. Once Braedon realized who he was and calmed down daddy and baby bonded again. It was so cute to see that babies face light up. He was so excited laughing and carrying on dadda dadda.
Finally my husband came over and gave me a hug. A small peck on the lips then arm in arm we went to the van. We drove to the hospital where he used to work and picked up a check. We then went and got Devyn from school. I stayed in the van with the baby. But, I could just imagine how excited she was getting that page... Devyn to the office for an early dismissal. She knew that her daddy was coming home.
Once we got home Wayne said that she ran up the ramp to him. I would have loved to have seen it.
My heart is broken, I cannot believe that he is going to work. I had plans for us. Maybe tomorrow we will be able have those plans stick.
Day 2. Oh, he has to work again. I cannot believe that he is home, but I won't see him.
Sunday, oh not again.. yes he is working again today. I have to say I have noticed that his eating habits have changed and he has lost some weight.
Monday go figure I have to work. We had a wonderful dinner too bad Mikel got stuck at work for 16 hours.
Tuesday he has to leave to go back to AZ. Well, we did have dinner together. I didn't get to have any real conversation with him or any personal time with him.
My heart is heavy and I'm not sure how he really feels. I don't want to move to AZ to have a room mate. I know he loves me, I'm just not sure if he is in love with me.
I can't imagine being with anyone else, but I do feel like I have been a single parent for a very long time.
I will have to post more tomorrow. We have a terrible storm with lightning.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Oh that mother in law of mine
Braedon has had the mad squirts since 1 Apr. He has been on meds and all kinds of things. He has been getting better, but now he has developed a yeast infection. Yesterday when I took him to the doctor's office I took my mother-in-law with me. The doc asked me if the baby liked yogart. I said, well only if I get the one that has the fruit on the bottom. He said as long as he gets it down, I would suggest having him eat 2 of the containers a day. He also gave me an Rx for his bottom.
I left the baby with mil and went to work. Oh I gave her the scrip and money. So, I didn't get home until after 11pm and the kids were already in bed. Fast forward to this am. I go and get the baby from the crib and take him to the changing table. I took his jammies off of him and got his hands up in the air, then his feet. I open the diaper and what do I see???? Blueberries!!! Yes, all over his butt and winkie. I was in complete shock! I cleaned him up and his poor butt is now blue!! I give him a bath and get him dressed. I then call mil. Yes, you got it right she put the yogart on his bottom! geeezzzzzzzzz.
I called my husband and he got a kick out of it. I tell ya she might not be blonde, but she is from West Virginia. LOL
I left the baby with mil and went to work. Oh I gave her the scrip and money. So, I didn't get home until after 11pm and the kids were already in bed. Fast forward to this am. I go and get the baby from the crib and take him to the changing table. I took his jammies off of him and got his hands up in the air, then his feet. I open the diaper and what do I see???? Blueberries!!! Yes, all over his butt and winkie. I was in complete shock! I cleaned him up and his poor butt is now blue!! I give him a bath and get him dressed. I then call mil. Yes, you got it right she put the yogart on his bottom! geeezzzzzzzzz.
I called my husband and he got a kick out of it. I tell ya she might not be blonde, but she is from West Virginia. LOL
Friday, April 20, 2007
20 Apr 07
I never realized how hard this was going to be on the baby. I mean he is only 13 months old. I can take a toy from him and put it behind my back and soon he forgets. So, here it is 5 days since his daddy has left and that poor baby is not getting any good sleep. He sleeps for about 20-30 mins then wakes up crying for daddy. I wish my husband would have left something with his smell on it, but he didn't.
Devyn is doing pretty well without daddy. I see her writting in her journal and think of asking her, but that is her thoughts. If she wanted to share she would have talked with me. I do let her call him whenever she wants so that does make it easier on her. At least I hope it does.
I have all of the laundry done and it seems so strange. Usually I would have at least 4 more loads to do. My house is quiet yet there is so much going on. I still have to tackle Devyn's play room. I made a call to her school to see if they take move donations. I have about 300-400 movies down there and most of them she doesn't watch. I know I could keep them for Braedon. I would just rather donate them for this move. The less I have the easier the move. I am just waiting on a call back from the school. If they don't take donations then I'll call the library here or take them to the Salvation Army. I would rather donate than see someone sell them. I know it is crazy. My sister told me to put them on eBay. That right now is just too much of a bother. I have so much else going on I don't want to add boxing and mailing to the list.
One of the girls that works for me is getting an interview for a great position. I am so excited for her. I hope she gets it.
I spoke with my oldest son lastnight he is doing well. I miss him so much. I don't think I am going to get to see him until after the move.
I went to Wal Mart lastnight to buy a few items. While I was there I got some fleece at a heck of a bargain. I came home and was getting ready to call a friend to see how much she wanted of it when I realized that my friend is gone. She passed away last year. You don't realize how someone is affected by you. She really touched my life and I miss her dearly. I know she is looking down on me and mine, but there are times that I wish she were here so I can talk to her on the phone.
I spoke with my sister yesterday. Our mother is still going on about the events of the party. I don't understand how or why she is so upset. She was at the party for oh maybe 10 minutes. What bothers me is that she has seen a therapist and still doesn't put her past behind her. I wonder what she talked about when she went. I wonder if she told the trueth or if she made things up. I remember when I was young and she told me that I need to agree with whatever she said, even if it was exactely the trueth. I never understood that. I think that she is bi-polar. I am not a doctor, but he actions are just not normal. Maybe I am wrong. She can be having a fine time with people then all of a sudden start screaming, yelling and crying. She isn't a calm person. She is a more violent person. She is very angry and demanding. She has no problem hitting someone or throwing something at them. Then when she finally calms down, and that takes days. She doesn't remember her actions, she only remembers what she wants to remember of others. Normally her memories are not accurate.
Devyn is doing pretty well without daddy. I see her writting in her journal and think of asking her, but that is her thoughts. If she wanted to share she would have talked with me. I do let her call him whenever she wants so that does make it easier on her. At least I hope it does.
I have all of the laundry done and it seems so strange. Usually I would have at least 4 more loads to do. My house is quiet yet there is so much going on. I still have to tackle Devyn's play room. I made a call to her school to see if they take move donations. I have about 300-400 movies down there and most of them she doesn't watch. I know I could keep them for Braedon. I would just rather donate them for this move. The less I have the easier the move. I am just waiting on a call back from the school. If they don't take donations then I'll call the library here or take them to the Salvation Army. I would rather donate than see someone sell them. I know it is crazy. My sister told me to put them on eBay. That right now is just too much of a bother. I have so much else going on I don't want to add boxing and mailing to the list.
One of the girls that works for me is getting an interview for a great position. I am so excited for her. I hope she gets it.
I spoke with my oldest son lastnight he is doing well. I miss him so much. I don't think I am going to get to see him until after the move.
I went to Wal Mart lastnight to buy a few items. While I was there I got some fleece at a heck of a bargain. I came home and was getting ready to call a friend to see how much she wanted of it when I realized that my friend is gone. She passed away last year. You don't realize how someone is affected by you. She really touched my life and I miss her dearly. I know she is looking down on me and mine, but there are times that I wish she were here so I can talk to her on the phone.
I spoke with my sister yesterday. Our mother is still going on about the events of the party. I don't understand how or why she is so upset. She was at the party for oh maybe 10 minutes. What bothers me is that she has seen a therapist and still doesn't put her past behind her. I wonder what she talked about when she went. I wonder if she told the trueth or if she made things up. I remember when I was young and she told me that I need to agree with whatever she said, even if it was exactely the trueth. I never understood that. I think that she is bi-polar. I am not a doctor, but he actions are just not normal. Maybe I am wrong. She can be having a fine time with people then all of a sudden start screaming, yelling and crying. She isn't a calm person. She is a more violent person. She is very angry and demanding. She has no problem hitting someone or throwing something at them. Then when she finally calms down, and that takes days. She doesn't remember her actions, she only remembers what she wants to remember of others. Normally her memories are not accurate.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Shut Up
SHUT UP
My Womb is now empty,
The life there is gone
My heart is shattered, will it ever heal?
Then I hear, "It's Nature's way".
SHUT UP
My Baby is an angel
I'll never hold in my arms
Then they say, "Maybe it's for the best".
SHUT UP
My dreams are gone, like a mist in the night
Why do you claim, "It's God's will"?
SHUT UP
A box full of baby books have been packed away
Then you claim, "You can have other children".
SHUT UP
You have not walked in my shoes
If you had, you would never say the things you do.
SHUT UP
Unless you can bring my baby back.
SHUT UP
Let me grieve,
let me cry,
let me scream if I like
Empty womb, empty arms, hopes and dreams ripped from my life
My baby is gone,
I'll never know why.
I've been left here without him, forever gone from my life.
Please just say you are sorry and give me a hug
A shoulder to cry on, what I need now is love.
Or just SHUT UP!
My Womb is now empty,
The life there is gone
My heart is shattered, will it ever heal?
Then I hear, "It's Nature's way".
SHUT UP
My Baby is an angel
I'll never hold in my arms
Then they say, "Maybe it's for the best".
SHUT UP
My dreams are gone, like a mist in the night
Why do you claim, "It's God's will"?
SHUT UP
A box full of baby books have been packed away
Then you claim, "You can have other children".
SHUT UP
You have not walked in my shoes
If you had, you would never say the things you do.
SHUT UP
Unless you can bring my baby back.
SHUT UP
Let me grieve,
let me cry,
let me scream if I like
Empty womb, empty arms, hopes and dreams ripped from my life
My baby is gone,
I'll never know why.
I've been left here without him, forever gone from my life.
Please just say you are sorry and give me a hug
A shoulder to cry on, what I need now is love.
Or just SHUT UP!
18 Apr 07
I'm sitting here at 9:43pm. Poor baby is still cranky. He really misses his daddy. I'm not sure what I am going to dislike more, him missing his daddy or not missing his daddy. I'll just be glad to have our family together again.
Mikel and I went to get his tuxedo today. He looks really nice in it. As he says, he looks like a blonde 007. I will have to post pics of him once the jacket is done. Of course that was too short. I don't grow short kids. haha.
Mikel also got his hair cut. So now we just need some new shoes. His dress shoes just don't seem to go right with the tux. I may just rent him some shoes. He is so picky tho... urgh, I'll figure it out tomorrow. I hope so at least the prom is Friday.
We (me and the kids) went to Kings for dinner. I will have to remember not to go there again for dinner. They serve a great breakfast, but I just was not impressed at all with our meal. OMG I was in complete shock... Mike paid for our meal. My oldest son has never done that. I called my husband and he didn't believe me.
I bought some new shoes today, what a deal I got! LOVE these backless ones.
Uncle Larry called, he won't be able to rent the house. Boy, I had to laugh at this one. I didn't know how to tell him that there is no way I would rent to him. I would much rather Mikel stay here. Although, I think we will probably sell.
Not much going on here. Devyn is reading more and more. She is a lot like Mike and I.
Braedon is walking so much better. He is even walking over things.
My girlfriend's boyfriend (I call him her husband) lost his job today. I just can't believe how much she has gone through. She has such bad back problems and fighting for workmans comp, now this. I will have to keep her in my prays, like I already have been.
My mother is really bothering me. I wish that she would get over her past. She has no idea how she affects the entire family. She just goes on and on about things that happend 25 years ago or longer. She fights with my dad daily and has my brother's loser girlfriend living with them. All she does is gossip and tell lies. I am so tired of hearing about things that happened or rather how she believes things happened. My sister and I have been talking about "the secret" and how it might help her. She doesn't want to hear it. She wants to "talk" about it. I just don't think she understands that she doesn't talk. She rants and screams. She is hostal and nobody really likes her. She isn't a nice person and doesn't care about other peoples feelings. Her every day life must have some sort of drama. I am so sick of hearing crap about everyone. She isn't happy unless she is talking bad about someone. The only thing that seems to make her happy is if everyone is fighting. I just don't have the energy anymore for it. She hasn't even got Braedon anything for his 1 year birthday. That is what type of grandmother she is. My husband left for AZ and do you think she can call to see if we are ok, no. She is self absorbed on how my Uncle's ex-father-in-law "beat her up" 24 years ago. My goodness, sure he might have beat her up, but if you get into a fight and lose get the F**k over it. Don't put your nose where it doesn't belong.
I hope my kids will never feel like this about me. I hope that I will continue to put them first in my life.
I miss my husband so much. I can't wait to see him
Mikel and I went to get his tuxedo today. He looks really nice in it. As he says, he looks like a blonde 007. I will have to post pics of him once the jacket is done. Of course that was too short. I don't grow short kids. haha.
Mikel also got his hair cut. So now we just need some new shoes. His dress shoes just don't seem to go right with the tux. I may just rent him some shoes. He is so picky tho... urgh, I'll figure it out tomorrow. I hope so at least the prom is Friday.
We (me and the kids) went to Kings for dinner. I will have to remember not to go there again for dinner. They serve a great breakfast, but I just was not impressed at all with our meal. OMG I was in complete shock... Mike paid for our meal. My oldest son has never done that. I called my husband and he didn't believe me.
I bought some new shoes today, what a deal I got! LOVE these backless ones.
Uncle Larry called, he won't be able to rent the house. Boy, I had to laugh at this one. I didn't know how to tell him that there is no way I would rent to him. I would much rather Mikel stay here. Although, I think we will probably sell.
Not much going on here. Devyn is reading more and more. She is a lot like Mike and I.
Braedon is walking so much better. He is even walking over things.
My girlfriend's boyfriend (I call him her husband) lost his job today. I just can't believe how much she has gone through. She has such bad back problems and fighting for workmans comp, now this. I will have to keep her in my prays, like I already have been.
My mother is really bothering me. I wish that she would get over her past. She has no idea how she affects the entire family. She just goes on and on about things that happend 25 years ago or longer. She fights with my dad daily and has my brother's loser girlfriend living with them. All she does is gossip and tell lies. I am so tired of hearing about things that happened or rather how she believes things happened. My sister and I have been talking about "the secret" and how it might help her. She doesn't want to hear it. She wants to "talk" about it. I just don't think she understands that she doesn't talk. She rants and screams. She is hostal and nobody really likes her. She isn't a nice person and doesn't care about other peoples feelings. Her every day life must have some sort of drama. I am so sick of hearing crap about everyone. She isn't happy unless she is talking bad about someone. The only thing that seems to make her happy is if everyone is fighting. I just don't have the energy anymore for it. She hasn't even got Braedon anything for his 1 year birthday. That is what type of grandmother she is. My husband left for AZ and do you think she can call to see if we are ok, no. She is self absorbed on how my Uncle's ex-father-in-law "beat her up" 24 years ago. My goodness, sure he might have beat her up, but if you get into a fight and lose get the F**k over it. Don't put your nose where it doesn't belong.
I hope my kids will never feel like this about me. I hope that I will continue to put them first in my life.
I miss my husband so much. I can't wait to see him
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
17 Apr 07
Well today is the 2nd my husband has been gone. I find the house so quiet. I have talked to him many times today, but it just isn't the same.
The weather has been terrible nothing but rain and clouds.
I got audited today which is very weird since I am the one that usually does all the audits. I got a 100% TG. Wouldn't that be terrible if I wouldn't have.
Braedon is walking more and more. Poor little guy has 3 bumps on his forhead.
I got my bedroom changed around and yet I still don't seem to find any comfort sleeping in there. I just miss the old man to much.
My mother in law has been very helpful. She is really a good woman, doesn't have a lick of common sense, but oh well. My father in law seems to be a bit less bitter. It is great to see him and the baby. Boy he is good with the grandkids, it's just the adults that he doesn't seem to be able to communicate with.
Mike is getting sick. Poor kid is putting way too many hours in at work. I think he has lost weight if that is possible.
I was reading a blog that a lady lost a set of ID twins and a singleton. It really got me thinking of the twins that I lost. I am so very greatful for my son and I know that God sent him to me, but I still can't seem to rid myself of my memories of my boys. I wonder what they would have looked like and how they would be acting. All those what ifs still go threw my mind. I wish I would have had a better doctor. I just know that things would have been different. You know what they say hindsight is 20/20. There is no reason to dwell on it, but this is what my blog is for.. to express my thoughts and feelings.
My husband got the snip done a month ago and I don't know, maybe I have some regret in me. I'm not sure. I would love to have more kids, but I just don't want to be pregnant again. Sounds crazy I know. The thing is, I don't know if I could emotionally handle another loss. To carry Braedon as long as I did took everything I had. He can about a month early and that was with close watching, and many meds. I'm not a young girl any more and don't think that my body will be able to carry another pregnancy. I keep telling myself this, so that my heart will stop wanting.
I think that with my husband gone right now I have way too much time to think.
The weather has been terrible nothing but rain and clouds.
I got audited today which is very weird since I am the one that usually does all the audits. I got a 100% TG. Wouldn't that be terrible if I wouldn't have.
Braedon is walking more and more. Poor little guy has 3 bumps on his forhead.
I got my bedroom changed around and yet I still don't seem to find any comfort sleeping in there. I just miss the old man to much.
My mother in law has been very helpful. She is really a good woman, doesn't have a lick of common sense, but oh well. My father in law seems to be a bit less bitter. It is great to see him and the baby. Boy he is good with the grandkids, it's just the adults that he doesn't seem to be able to communicate with.
Mike is getting sick. Poor kid is putting way too many hours in at work. I think he has lost weight if that is possible.
I was reading a blog that a lady lost a set of ID twins and a singleton. It really got me thinking of the twins that I lost. I am so very greatful for my son and I know that God sent him to me, but I still can't seem to rid myself of my memories of my boys. I wonder what they would have looked like and how they would be acting. All those what ifs still go threw my mind. I wish I would have had a better doctor. I just know that things would have been different. You know what they say hindsight is 20/20. There is no reason to dwell on it, but this is what my blog is for.. to express my thoughts and feelings.
My husband got the snip done a month ago and I don't know, maybe I have some regret in me. I'm not sure. I would love to have more kids, but I just don't want to be pregnant again. Sounds crazy I know. The thing is, I don't know if I could emotionally handle another loss. To carry Braedon as long as I did took everything I had. He can about a month early and that was with close watching, and many meds. I'm not a young girl any more and don't think that my body will be able to carry another pregnancy. I keep telling myself this, so that my heart will stop wanting.
I think that with my husband gone right now I have way too much time to think.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Today is the day
Today is the day I have been dreading. Yes, my dear husband has left. It seems like this weekend just flew by. I cannot believe that he has begun our jouney to AZ. Dev seemed to do ok this am. I bet tonight will be very hard on her. The baby didn't want to let go of him when Wayne was leaving. I know that the baby doesn't understand what is going on, but he does understand that daddy was going bye bye.
My heart is heavy and I am worried. I don't like the idea of him driving all that way alone. The weather is so bad here and while I was talking to him there was a terrible accident on the turnpike.
At church yesterday our pastors said a wonderful prayer and I pray that those travel mercies stay with him
~~
My cousin announced her pregnancy at the party on Sat. I am so excited for her. She is 42 and so very worried that there will be problems. I just hope that she delivers a healthy baby. She is due on OCT 18th.
~~
Braedon is doing so much better with his walking. He now has several bumps and bruises to prove it. LOL He is talking so much more now as well.
~~
My in-laws have decided to move to AZ in Aug.
My heart is heavy and I am worried. I don't like the idea of him driving all that way alone. The weather is so bad here and while I was talking to him there was a terrible accident on the turnpike.
At church yesterday our pastors said a wonderful prayer and I pray that those travel mercies stay with him
~~
My cousin announced her pregnancy at the party on Sat. I am so excited for her. She is 42 and so very worried that there will be problems. I just hope that she delivers a healthy baby. She is due on OCT 18th.
~~
Braedon is doing so much better with his walking. He now has several bumps and bruises to prove it. LOL He is talking so much more now as well.
~~
My in-laws have decided to move to AZ in Aug.
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