17 Apr 07

Well today is the 2nd my husband has been gone. I find the house so quiet. I have talked to him many times today, but it just isn't the same.

The weather has been terrible nothing but rain and clouds.

I got audited today which is very weird since I am the one that usually does all the audits. I got a 100% TG. Wouldn't that be terrible if I wouldn't have.

Braedon is walking more and more. Poor little guy has 3 bumps on his forhead.

I got my bedroom changed around and yet I still don't seem to find any comfort sleeping in there. I just miss the old man to much.

My mother in law has been very helpful. She is really a good woman, doesn't have a lick of common sense, but oh well. My father in law seems to be a bit less bitter. It is great to see him and the baby. Boy he is good with the grandkids, it's just the adults that he doesn't seem to be able to communicate with.

Mike is getting sick. Poor kid is putting way too many hours in at work. I think he has lost weight if that is possible.

I was reading a blog that a lady lost a set of ID twins and a singleton. It really got me thinking of the twins that I lost. I am so very greatful for my son and I know that God sent him to me, but I still can't seem to rid myself of my memories of my boys. I wonder what they would have looked like and how they would be acting. All those what ifs still go threw my mind. I wish I would have had a better doctor. I just know that things would have been different. You know what they say hindsight is 20/20. There is no reason to dwell on it, but this is what my blog is for.. to express my thoughts and feelings.

My husband got the snip done a month ago and I don't know, maybe I have some regret in me. I'm not sure. I would love to have more kids, but I just don't want to be pregnant again. Sounds crazy I know. The thing is, I don't know if I could emotionally handle another loss. To carry Braedon as long as I did took everything I had. He can about a month early and that was with close watching, and many meds. I'm not a young girl any more and don't think that my body will be able to carry another pregnancy. I keep telling myself this, so that my heart will stop wanting.

I think that with my husband gone right now I have way too much time to think.